I wrote the post below exactly one year and eleven days ago. In the spirit of reflection, I wanted to share how big of a difference one year can make before I updated the blog with the last few weeks of happenings. This post originally appeared on Change of Venue where I shared my life with the world for almost eight years. I love going back and re-reading my story. To be able to experience the growth in real time has been nothing short of amazing.
I endured thirty days of sleepless nights.
Cried fifty days in a row. Unstoppable tears.
Hid myself from the world for weeks.
Obsessed over those one hundred and sixty five days straight that he told me he loved me.
Tried to relive the days where I must’ve seen some clue or felt some change.
Counted the mornings where the first thing he did was roll over and kiss me.
Traced back steps looking for moments that should’ve caused doubt in my mind.
September completely broke me.
His words were foreign to my ears.
We had always spoken the same language until that day.
October came and I floated amongst hours trying to keep it together for myself, for others.
Nobody wants to see the lights dimmed on someone who shines so brightly.
Glowed even, before him.
But on this day, the 1st day of November, I pledge to not give away another second of my time.
I cannot keep asking why.
I do not need to know why.
No more time trying to diagnose the disorder that caused him to play a role so perfectly.
So precisely that I did not know he was acting.
Today I will start a new countdown.
It will have nothing to do with what was.
A punctuation mark will mark the ending and beginning of a new month.
And finally it was November…
These last few weeks/month brought with it a lot of changes. Some good, a lot bad, but most importantly, one that is life altering. The trajectory of my life literally changed right before my eyes. What I thought was to be my forever shook me sternly into the present. My alleged reality, caused the Universe to laugh in my face. I was content, comfortable. I knew what I wanted and had convinced myself that I needed to look no further for everything to just fall into place. Then things changed. A chapter in my life closed and a brand new one opened. I was presented with the opportunity to make my life long dream come true. So I collected every bit of strength that I still left in my body and made it happen. As such, November will see the birth of my first publication. An Ode, which is a collection of poetry that I’ve been working on these last couple of years. If you’ve followed my blog you know that I love to be transparent and written words are the easiest way for me to express myself. I’m so excited for this body of work to be available to everyone, because I think it truly embodies the essence of myself and how I have approached love all these years. Throughout this time I have learned a lot about myself and those around me. I have a village of people who have nothing but my best interest at heart, people who believe in me and people who want nothing but to see me reach my greatest potential. On that same accord, a lot of people have showed me their true colors, let me know that they were not meant to be there for me when I couldn’t be there for myself, thus not needing a place with me when I am 100% whole. People said hurtful things trying to lure me out of my depression, tough love. Others just full out gave up on me because I wasn’t able to give them the energy that I typically would, and that’s fine. That’s life. We are all still blessed.
November is my favorite month. I always say I live for November. I didn’t think I would make it this year, but here I am, and I’m better for it.