And in the midst of this,
my mind flows between fraught and free.
I just want to flow.
Nothing that happens in life ever seems to make sense in the beginning. The questioning becomes redundant. I found myself wanting to know too much, wanting to know everything… I wasn’t present in the moment. All that questioning was making me miss out on things. I’d overshadow the celebration with new expectations, and immediately start thinking of my next move. Not today though.
I started writing this last night but something forced me to take pause and fully immerse myself in the moment. Had I found myself in the middle of this pandemic two years ago, or one year ago, I wouldn’t have made it. I have finally made it to a point where I’m content with my solitude. The thought of being alone would have driven me insane before that last one left me. I know now that his departure was truly the beginning of my becoming free.
These moments are confirmation. I can laugh again, and finally allow myself to enjoy someone else. I’ve been sitting for hours enjoying music, enjoying silence, enjoying new thoughts and ideologies. I am basking in these feelings of comfort. I’m going to let this thing flow.