Words Matter…

I said a lot of things that I did not always mean.
Like that time when I said I would never accomplish my dreams. 
Then there were the moments I thought that I had lost myself. 
I said  words that meant nothing,
And truly believed there was nothing left.
Then I told myself that this was not the way to live.
I regained control of my words and changed the narrative...

Several weeks have passed since I last experienced life without restrictions. Prior to two months ago, my world was meticulously planned to include a potent mixture of socializing, travel, book related events and possibly being found by my future man. You know, regular things in the day and the life of… Then, nothing was the same. I found myself in the midst of a global pandemic with no idea of what to expect next. Like most, I first bought into the notion that these days of quarantine were a competition to see who could use their time the wisest. I wanted to be productive. I wanted to write three new books, master a second language and cultivate my grown woman skills. I honestly and truly did. Then the realization hit me that I did not want to do any of that shit. Instead I wanted to rest, and rest I did. After I finished practicing law while working remotely during the daytime, I laid down and chilled the hell out. I caught up on television shows, joined a writing group, kickboxed virtually from the comfort of my living room and chilled some more. Then I started feeling a heaviness.

The heaviness began in the beginning of May, when I started having difficulty concentrating on things that had been bringing me joy during my new normal. At first it was a whisper in my ear, then it became a loud buzzing of ideas that I had to silence in the middle of the night. My thoughts would leave me and go to a place where I saw colors splashed across my exposed brick wall. Words, in all colors of the rainbow, everywhere I looked and even in the places where I did not want to look. The more I attempted to silence the ideas I was being bombarded with the heavier I began to feel. In essence, all the running away was doing nothing but making me tired. I finally stopped and faced those whispers head on. I listened to myself and the ideas that had been swirling around in my consciousness and stopped running. I stopped running, and agreed to listen. And now I must act on those ideas, otherwise they will never let me rest…