I put so much into the thrill of the chase that when I finally reached my destination I plateaued. I lost sight of my end goal. I allowed the waves to keep me afloat without doing the work. I did not paddle. Instead of assisting the current I lay lifeless, legs still, arms at my side, body rigid. I fell off. I try not to be so hard on myself, but sometimes my disdain for my feelings becomes overwhelming. I hate feeling. The simple act of experiencing an emotion, over and over and over again. This is my season to not wallow in my sentiments. My feelings are valid. My outlook will be determined by how I process and work my way through this moment in time. Time is limitless. I am shorting myself by placing restraints on this process. I owe myself time to navigate this undertaking. Healing, letting go of and being better for it all. That is my task. The techniques are of my own devices, my own approach and that is okay. It is all ok. We will all be okay. Regardless.
A week into the month of May and I am giving myself permission to feel again. I thought I had experienced every emotion possible towards moving forward. I was punishing myself for still feeling a tingle of pain when I reminisced on what I thought my future should be, was going to be, what it could have been. I have come to the realization that it is okay to be where I am right now. There has been progress in the midst of pushing through pain. But I admit, there is still pain. I am allowing it to validate my existence and ability as a human being capable of feeling. This will be my catalyst. It has been my catalyst. Strength, no more fast forward. I am going to live through it and it will be for my overall good. My vision of the end result has changed. My feelings mold that new perception.
Have you ever had a moment where you talked yourself out of feeling a certain way? Has someone ever encouraged you to just get over something? How did that make you feel?