Year-end reflections were historically the bane of my existence. I put so much effort into discrediting my achievements, that by the time the last day of the year rolled around, I had already convinced myself that the prior 364 days had been in vain. I let small things overshadow all the good that occurred and put my hope into the new year coming in to save the day. As of last weekend, my anxiety levels were at their peak and I was ready to begin my annual discrediting of all the things I accomplished this year. Between antagonizing over my to-do list and indulging in conversations centered around how much the collective was going to accomplish in 2020, I broke down. I took my to-do list and basically shoved it.
One thing I repeatedly said this year, was that I did not really take the time to bask in the greatness of anything that I experienced. There was never any real celebration of sorts. It was as if the moment I finished one thing; I would guilt myself into keeping the momentum going. There were no stops, and hardly any pauses. From September 2018 until this very moment, it has been all full speed ahead. Part of me thinks I constantly stayed busy because I did not want to think about the past. The past was too complicated, too painful, too much… Hell, even the present has been known to cause some anxiety and don’t even get me started on the future. The future is, well, the future. I do not want to become obsessed with the future while I am here in the present. I also do not want the past to cause harm to me in the now. I just want to be here in the moment. I want things to flow organically.
This year has been filled with beautiful scenery, clear blue water and men with skin the color of onyx. I started my year in Barbados, a trip that the past almost prevented me from going on. I came close to letting the past overshadow my spring but put on blinders while I navigated the waters of unchartered territory. I found my voice and used it to inspire others, I told stories, I shared experiences, I spoke in public. I held space with powerful people and brought value to every space I resided in this year. I co-authored a second book with phenomenal women. I boldly told my survivor story even though it is still currently a work in progress. I am still surviving. I learned how to take compliments. I stopped diverting attention from myself and became comfortable with being in the spotlight. I was the star of my own show. Unapologetically. I worked and I grinded to build a brand. I made a name for myself and let my image be known as more than just a woman who got her heartbroken. I let the world witness my healing. I helped others heal.
I do not know what I want to do next, but I do know I will be doing something. I’ve already done a lot. I will continue to do. What I will not continue to do is a) discredit myself, ever again b) let the past cripple me, and stop me from seeing the good in things, and c) get so caught up in the moment that I forget to appreciate the moments. My only reflection for this year was that it was a hell of a ride. As far as next year, stay tuned…