I anticipated being so overcome with grief, that I would fall to the floor in despair, while immediately transforming into a pile of wreckage. I had recreated the scene since the end of us, repeatedly, in my head, with the details becoming more elaborate each time. I thought the reality of it would break me, I feared a regression. My heart skipped beats as I visualized the pomp and circumstance of the moment, the imagery as grand as something I would have imagined for myself, breathtaking.
Then it happened, and it was nothing like I expected. I thought there would be tears, but they never fell. Instead I felt relief, a peaceful validation that the power of my manifestation was indeed real. But even with the blueprint I created in my mind, the execution proved to be lackluster. It wasn’t enough to move me. You would have never been enough to move me. That realization was enough to let me know that I was finally free.
The only thing that had been holding me captive were the thoughts in my mind and even when I was the one perfecting the fantasy you still let me down. I thought there would be tears, but there wasn’t…
December was supposed to be anticlimactic. I cleared my schedule only to end up with a schedule filled with activity, plans, events, and to-do list. I thought I needed stillness to end the year; instead I have conceded to the fact that I must finish the year the same as I started and keep the momentum going. Momentum- the impetus and driving force gained by the development of a process or course of events. I have been in the trajectory of momentum for quite some time. My life has been unfolding in ways that I never imagined, but now I am coming to the realization that this life was meant to be lived and not imagined. Every experience is connected and every puzzle piece has meaning, even the ones that were lost still left spaces for something even better to fit in. I am being filled with vigor, there is a strengthening. The things that I thought would break me have revealed a power within me. I am adjusting, I am transcending. I thought there would be tears, but there wasn’t.