Mindfulness.

A full month passed before I would find comfort in the confines of my kitchen. Even now pings of anxiety encapsulate me, tightness of the chest as ingredients mix and aromas fill my space, palms glowing with sweat as matter combines. I was making jerk chicken that night. Spiced just to your liking. That was the last meal I prepared for you. It was a labor of love that would forever go unnoticed. Your abruptness interrupted me and changed the course of my life completely. That meal went uneaten.

Mindfulness. The quality or state of being conscious or aware of something. I was not aware that I still referred to you as the love of my life. Even in this present moment I was giving life to a situation that was dead. I was asked to repeat myself last night. My love left me. I said it again with less certainty. This time it sounded foreign to my ears, as if the words had never meant to be spoken out loud. The words had no meaning behind them, they had no truth. You were not my love, nor were you the love of my life. I was holding on to a title, giving power to a lifeless source.

Words have power and potential. They possess the potential to paint your reality, and the power to give life to your present. We must be careful not to give life to words that paint the present negatively. If I continue to say that my love left me, I am creating a reality and present tense where my actual love will not be able to find his way to me. Stagnant thoughts, and stale words can create a blockage. They can create a barrier between what we hold on to and what we actually deserve coming to us. For some, keeping the words stored up inside of them is a means of survival, for me its a tortuous form of abuse. I have to write my words down.  I write them out so that I may release them. I find my peace in the written word and that release is necessary. I cannot keep what no longer serves me. I have to let it go.

I’m charging myself with the task of being mindful of the words I use when I describe my current state of being. In this exact moment I am free, I am open to life, open to love and abundance flows to me naturally. I am changing the narrative. My love did not leave me, the universe simply rewarded me with a gift. Albeit it has taken long for me to recognize that gift I now fully accept as my own. My present is full of possibility and I am basking in every moment.

I will be more mindful. I’m tired of ordering take out. It is time for me to cook in my kitchen. No more apprehension.